Hello, and welcome to "I Ramble Awkwardly About Mental Health Until I Get Bored". This text-that-should've-be-a-conversation-with-a-therapist-but-I-dont-wanna will have no clear direction and is simply a means of finally putting to paper (computer screen, whatever) at least a couple of my randomly organised misexperiences in having at least a handful of brain cells between my ears.
Today's episode is mostly about panic/anxiety attacks.
I remember the first panic attack I ever had, I was 20, I think it was January. I remember the reason, though I'll not go into specifics today. I remember my friend and housemate G. sat me down and held my hands across the table while she talked me through it as - through a fog of inexplicable terror and confusing tears - I tried to comprehend what was happening as I watched my sense of self fall apart before me.
Fast forward half a decade or so and I cannot count how many I've had since, largely as I don't really remember most of them. I guess they get a bit samey after a while.
In contrast to some of the nastier situations that have caused them, I've also had them strike me down in completely benign or even positive circumstances. One I do recall was whilst messing about one evening with some housemates during my PGCE training year, four or five years removed from the first incidence.
They have become more infrequent with time, fortunately. In some sense I may have to thank my poor memory, though in another it often leaves things an annoying mystery.
It's probably worth mentioning at this point that I am also the lucky recipient of what in the past I've referred to as periods of "low mood". These vary in severity from being a bit down for an evening, to digging out some less than admiral playlists, to wanting very little at all.
Occasionally, these have an obvious trigger such as following an aforementioned attack, but sometimes for no clear reason at all. I think I have had these since puberty to some degree - I'd like to nail its origin on the post of the acne medication I was taking around the time as it listed some "fun" side effects that I definitely lied to the doctor about not experiencing. Personally this included "randomly bursting into tears and scaring the cat/my mate Ben", but it could all equally have been pinned on "being a teenager", and hey, it fixed the acne.
I have no idea if any of this is just normal human experience, or if I won it at the Year 1 school fair while playing hook-a-duck or the like. I also won a goldfish in a bag, so it's not all bad.1
Although both these experiences (the attacks and the low moods, not the fish) are rarer these days, I was most recently struck by an attack whilst out on what was meant to be a cheery night with colleagues; proceeding then with a drawn out period of poor focus and indistinct sadness for almost two entire weeks, from which I am only now recovering.
The reason for this this one is stupid and I won't hear otherwise, but nonetheless is fairly revealing in that I believe I have found myself just a bit lonely as of late. That's not to say I lack friends for I have many, but most are just far enough away that seeing them on a regular basis isn't feasible and any sort of social event has become a rarity. Ultimately the cause of this incident was, in a tipsy state, having the simultaneous discoveries that firstly I have/had an embarrassing crush on a colleague, and secondly that they will be leaving the area soon. I imagine this, coupled with the broader sense of being too alone and a misplaced sense of abandonment, just got to me.
Also, as noted, even when I am surrounded by friends, though it helps the low mood thing dramatically, it doesn't cure the panic attacks, which I think I must accept as just an occasional Feature™ of my life.
On a lighter(?) note, I should say I have gotten much better at managing panic attacks. I can sense it coming beforehand and put it off until later. This doesn't make it any less distressing, but outwardly I can keep myself composed for a while longer and delay the fun part where my lungs don't work. I'm not confident that's a skill a person should want to possess, but under the circumstances it's handy to have. Also a massive shout-out to colleague H., whom was incredibly patient and understanding. (H. would later disappear for a tactical chunder. Legend.)
Right, I'm bored now. I know there are glaring gaps here I'll try to write about eventually, and in a future (shorter) post I might maunder in slight more (but still vague) detail about the particulars of Incident One and the Lizard Wizards, but that's plenty for today.
Join us next time, where I'll be ranting about the price of supermarket meal deals.
1 I named the fish "Goldy", in case you were wondering.